I had big plans for yesterday but it turned out to be a crash day. I managed a nice breakfast out with Carol and Pat but after that I crashed. I was useless. Tired. No energy. I sat like a lump. I couldn't get it together to go to my Splurge club party last night. When I miss something that I KNOW will be so fun and such a good time, you know I'm toast. It didn't help to learn that a woman who had pretty much the same type of cancer as me ... same grade and stage ... and similar treatment plan, just died. She was diagnosed in 2000, it came back in 2004 and then, in 2008, she learned it had metastasized to other parts of her body. And now she's dead. I know that her experience won't necessarily be mine, but it does bring the fear of recurrence closer to the surface when one learns of another person who has lost their life to cancer. It's less the loss of life that I fear (though that would be a total bummer), but the way one loses to cancer ... long and awful. Like most people, I would rather not worry about death and then just drop dead when it's my time. Anticipating a long, drawn-out, painful death chills me to the bone. I never had reason to anticipate such a demise before and while I try not to think about it and mostly I don't, hearing of what this woman went through before she slipped into the peacefulness of death raises all those semi-buried fears. It makes for a cheerless day for the most part. RIP, Daria. As I'm sure many of you know, we just have to find our own ways to put our fears to rest and carry on and to take the scary experiences of our lives and find meaning and a renewed sense of purpose.
This morning, I feel a little brighter and have put my fears to rest again. Even though I slept 9 hours, I still feel quite fatigued. I did dishes and made pancakes, so that's a good sign. I need to get some other things done today so I'll be ready to go back to work tomorrow. Weekends are just too short. I know I'm not the only one who feels that way, but I really do struggle more than I ever used to.
The sunshine is gorgeous today! I'd better get out there and enjoy it and the milder temperature.