Thanks and No Thanks!

I'm thankful that I woke up this morning. It's better than the alternative! I'm thankful that I feel no worse than yesterday and yesterday wasn't so bad. Holding, for now, is good. I have to remind myself to be thankful for chemo. But I am thankful for it. I think. I hope. I am not and never will be thankful for cancer! Undoubtedly, I will ultimately learn some valuable lessons about life through this ordeal ... and I already have ... but I will not thank cancer for this. I would rather have done without ... no thanks VERY much!

Mostly, I'm thankful for family and friends. I truly am. I raise a glass of water to everyone out there and I'm thankful for all the bounty we have in our lives. But no ... no thanking cancer. Nosireebob!

This is the pretty bouquet from Lou.

Happy Thanksgiving Day, everyone! Football! We'll be at Don and Syl's for what will surely be a stellar meal!

Thanks and No Thanks!

Sunday Night Update

Sylvia dropped off this gorgeous arrangement today. She put it together herself with a mix of her own flowers and some store-bought ones. She really has a gift, doesn't she?! Thanks, Syl!

It's been nice having Kevin home for a long weekend and as frustrating as it might be for him to be thwarted by weather from doing a big yard clean up, I'm just as glad for him (and me) that he's been able to kick back with me for a bit. Kevin, being the more restless one, makes sure we get out of the house even if only for a drive. Today we went to Lawson Heights Mall to pick up fish food and a few groceries while we were there. Then we stopped by Rex and Erin's for a halooo before going to Jim and Lynne's for a wonderful roast beef dinner. Note to self: eat more beets. Lynne's garden beets were delicious! Well, everything was delicious!

Jim's been test driving a smart car so he drove me home in it! I had never been in one before. It doesn't feel so small from the inside. It's when you step out of it and look back ... you marvel that you were actually in something so odd looking and so TINY! The particular model he's reviewing is the "passion coupe convertible". Very cute. Red and black interior. So passionate! We kept the top up.

Today I feel more side effects creeping up. My face, neck and chest are more and more red, though I'm not feeling much of the heat yet. My fingers and toes are more numb ... and not just numb ... tingling and the ends of my big toes hurt just a little bit. Tonight as well I can feel the "tissue tenders" starting. My skin is a bit tender to touch all over. It started with my cheek bones and jaw, but it's now my chest, back, arms ... pretty much tender everywhere. I don't feel miserable but I'm guessing that this is the start of what will be something worse. Whatever. At least there will be no returning to this kind of thing.

Luke did the Run For The Cure yesterday with his lacrosse team. He was blown away by the number of people there and he said it was a good time. I told him that I was sorry he wouldn't be getting a turkey dinner there in Kentucky but he told me that some girls were thinking of making a bunch of the Canadian boys a real Canadian Thanksgiving dinner! Nice girls! Of course, I like to think that our boys are a little more "new age" and might tackle such a meal themselves ... had they a kitchen.

Sunday Night Update

The LAST Neupogen Injection

Here is Nurse Cratchet happily displaying the box of used needles she can finally drop off for proper disposal! Today was my last neupogen injection. Not that they were awful and I am so grateful that Sylvia was more than willing to take time out of her days to do them for me. Don't read too much into that. I KNOW she didn't like poking me but I KNOW she was happy to be able to use her most excellent nursing skills to help.

Another milestone to mark off my list.

The LAST Neupogen Injection

Scalp Crud

GAG!! Who knew there could be so much icky stuff built up on your scalp after all these years? Hopefully, all the gunk I cleared off wasn't actually intended to be hair fertilizer. I hope to have, instead, cleared away any blocked pores to better allow new hairs to grow through. Speedily!

Scalp Crud

Sunday Update - Have a Seat

Yesterday was a quiet day spent with Kevin. I felt worse yesterday than I have been but, nonetheless, he talked me into going out for a little excursion. So I got dressed up, put on hair, a jacket and a scarf and out we went.

We had a very romantic date. One that includes the best of both worlds for Kevin. First we went through Timmy's and got a sandwich and some drinks and then we went to the Co-op and filled the car with gas. Then ... and this is the best part ... we shared the sandwich in the car while driving through the car wash! Does it get any better than that?? We then decided I could manage a quick stop at Winners where the masses had converged but I had my hand sanitizer with me and was very careful. I even found a cashmere sweater I just love and a cross-the-body-sling-style kind of purse. From what I understand, after my next surgery, it will be best if I don't ever carry a regular purse again as a preventative measure for lymphodema, which can arise weeks, months or even years after surgery removing lymph nodes. Sling purses are the way to go if I need a purse at all. And I've always liked sling purses anyway. They're "hands free" and I like that. Kevin got new jeans and a belt and it was like a very big, small excursion.

Then we came home and parked. We watched a movie. I napped. We watched the Rider game (YEAH RIDERS!), another movie and then packed it in. I had hoped to watch the Rider game with friends, which is always more fun, but I just didn't feel very well last night.

My side effects are starting to widen and deepen. I think I'm starting to spiral down into more of a chemo hangover. My feet are more all-over numb since yesterday. I have more face, neck and chest redness. By the time I went to bed last night, my cheek bones were starting to hurt and I was getting those "northern lights" feelings in my jaw bones. I took a sleeping pill last night to make sure I got good and knocked out and I do feel better this morning than I did yesterday. This morning I'm quite red and my jaw line is a little itchy. I hope this doesn't mean another chemical peel. One was quite enough.

Speaking of last treatment's unwelcome chemical peel, I can tell you one amazing thing it led to that I only just noticed. For several years, I've had a slowly darkening sun damage spot on my lower left cheek ... about the size of my littlest finger nail. It was getting dark enough that make-up didn't really disguise it. More recently one had appeared at the back of my upper right cheekbone ... oval and about the size of my big toe nail. Kevin had commented on how dark it was, especially during chemo. WELL!! They have both magically disappeared!! They must have chemical peeled away! I can just barely make out the slightest pinkness where they had been! Amazing! I wonder if they'll come back? So, as nasty as that last chemical peel felt on my face, at least some good came of it!

Now, I want HAIR!! REAL hair. MY hair! And lashes. Is that too much to ask?

Sunday Update - Have a Seat

Naturopathy - Here I Come!

Well, after such a disappointing visit with the nutritionist at the Champion Centre, I have booked an appointment with a Naturopath! There must be something more I should be doing for myself than following the Canada Food Guide.

If you're interested to know more about what I'm exploring, here's the link to the FAQ (frequently asked questions) at the Saskatchewan Association of Naturopathic Practitioners website. Here's a very good general article from a local practitioner, explaining what naturopathic doctors do.

This is a new venture for me but I feel good about taking this step given the lack of support I've received for "the whole person" from the traditional medical community. If anyone has any thoughts to share, I'd be interested.

Naturopathy - Here I Come!

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!

Sorry, turkeys! There's no escaping!

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!

Saturday Update

Kevin got back late last night after a couple of grueling work days in Regina. It's good to have him home and good that it's a long weekend. Mom left yesterday while the driving was good so she could be back in Kyle for the weekend. Both Hannah and Luke are doing just fine. It's an extra long weekend break for Luke, too. I think they have Monday and Tuesday off from classes. No turkey for him, though.

After feeling pretty good yesterday earlier in the day, as evening progressed, I felt steadily worse. There was a tightness and bloating through my upper abdomen that was really uncomfortable and I felt kind of dizzy and just plain icky. In the night I woke up feeling a nauseated and got up to get a piece of toast to settle things but I never made it to the kitchen. Instead I was sick to my stomach. That's the first time since all this chemo business began! So, I'm just going to be thankful that it's only been once and it's right near the end. This morning I feel a little wrecked. My eyes feel puffy. Hopefully I'll feel a little better once I start moving around more. So far I've only gone from bed to kitchen table ... had breakfast and drugs, read the paper, and now posting here.

Yesterday's highlight was a visit from Lou! She brought such a pretty Thanksgiving bouquet and regaled me with stories of her travels, her family, and office life. I am constantly amazed at the pace she manages! It was so nice to see her and to have her here.

Saturday Update

Christmas Colours In October

So pretty, the snow in the mountain ash trees! Easy to talk about how pretty the snow is when your huddled warmly in your house! It is a visual distraction for the time being, it not being like "winter snow" because there's still a lot of green to be seen, too.

Yesterday was a very quiet day full of napping for me. I started to feel quite crappy in the evening. Uncomfortable, achie. I went to bed early hoping to just sleep it off and I mostly did. I woke up at 4:00 a.m. and read for a while. I managed without a sleeping pill, which makes me glad.

For some reason, my left foot is particularly numb. My mouth started feeling gross yesterday. The taste is awful and the roof of my mouth was very pebbly. I used the "magic mouthwash", which really made a difference, though I wonder if it isn't what turns my tongue black because my tongue was black again last night and it's the only thing I can think of that relates to my previous black tongue experience. It hadn't occurred to me before because the the magic mouthwash is a pink colour, kind of like pepto-bismal, and it's really thick ... not liquidy.

Tomorrow, I start a half dose of my steroid. I've been wondering if it's the 10% reduction of the taxotere (the chemo drug) or the additional steroids (prednisone) that are responsible for my not suffering as much with side effects this time. Maybe it's both. Maybe the worst is yet to come. Last time, feeling so badly in the 3rd week after chemo really took me by surprise. We'll see what happens, I guess. At least it's the end ... NO MORE CHEMO!! Yahoo for that!!!

Mom cooked all day yesterday so on a snowy day the house was full of comforting cooking aromas! It was lovely and thanks, Mom, for the delicious meal on the table and the ones in the freezer.

I wish this was a "snow day" for everyone!

Christmas Colours In October

And by Mid-Afternoon ...

Who knew?!!

And by Mid-Afternoon ...

I Didn't Mean It!

I didn't really think my mentioning snow this morning could possibly bring it on! Isn't it pretty, though?

These are my clematis beards when the snow first started to fall.

I Didn't Mean It!

Lobelias Are Still Happy

I wonder how long before I start posting photos of snow?! Brrrrr ... I'm in no hurry, believe me.

Yesterday's morning running around to the Champion Centre, etc. was tiring and so I was pretty much cooked for the rest of the day, though I couldn't sleep. My body wanted to sleep, but it just couldn't. Last night I was VERY tired when I went to bed and I was sure I would be a goner as soon as my head hit the pillow, but no. I took a sleeping pill at 1:30 and even then I didn't get to sleep until after 3:00 a.m. By then I had a headache ... either fatigue or tension ... and then, in the night, I spent a couple of hours with "boa constrictor aches" around my ribs, along the full length of my back and through my chest wall. Just a throbbing, gripping ache and there was no way to position myself to make it better. It eventually subsided or simple exhaustion took over. Either way, it's not as bad this morning, though my back is still kind of achy, down into my sacroiliac. After this, I think I'll try a long, soak in the tub and see if that eases things a bit.

By the way, I got word that my blood test results all fell within normal ranges. That's a relief.

Lobelias Are Still Happy

I'm Not Worthy!

I have to express my gratitude to Kevin. He deserves a gold star. No, he deserves a few days in Vancouver with an appreciative wife.

He has come home from his long days at work for the past two nights and has cooked healthy dinners for us all, stopping on the way home to pick up some interesting deli salads. Last night, after listening to Mom try to figure out directions so she could drive through the city, in the dark of night, to a whole new subdivision that might as well be no-man's land to us, let alone Mom finding it, Kevin graciously offered to take her there so she could see Lynn's new condo. While he was there, I think he fixed something on Lynn's new tv, too. Mr. Handy. Then he rented a funny movie on the way back to make me laugh --- (by the way, we both agreed it's a TOTAL dud! Don't watch that new cave man one with Jack Black. It's is AWFUL! So AWFUL, it's almost funny! Almost.).

He does all this after having had such a long day on Wednesday when he had to get up extra early to drive to Esterhazy for work and he drove back home that same evening ... the equivalent of driving to Banff for the day. And then this morning he has to be in Regina for meetings for the next couple of days. No complaints. Always a smile.

I'm feeling overwhelmed with gratitude and if you see him about, stick a gold star on his forehead or buy him a coffee.

He'll be embarrassed but I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge how wonderful he's been and how I love him for it.

I'm Not Worthy!

Crazy Splurge Club Support Hose

Peggy sent me this photo of some of my Splurge Club Support Hose at the END of the 5 K Walk for the Cure! Hose of all styles and nationalities! From Japan ... Jah Islands ... Vegas!! They're beauts! One as crazy as the other. And there, clearly ... Peggy still in her high-heeled boots! TOTALLY NUTS!!

Don't you think her face looks a little pinched, though?

Crazy Splurge Club Support Hose

Some Flowers Happier Than Others

These ones, for example. They seem to be showing off while most of the other flowers are looking shabby!

Today was blood work day. I haven't heard the results yet but I know they are checking liver enzymes, pottasium, and magneisum. There must have been something askew with my pre-chemo results to make them check again a week later. I never did find out but, hopefully, all will be revealed later today. Without my PICC-line, they had to actually use a needle to take blood. I had no regrets, though. I'm SO happy to be done with that PICC-line. They even had to poke me twice to get a vein, but I'm okay with that. It's typical.

I also met with a nutritionist while I was there. She was very nice but it was, overall, a frustrating experience. I know about general healthy eating and I know about the Canada Food Guide but I'm more interested now in boosting what can only be a challenged immune system and doing whatever I can nutritionally to prevent cancer from getting a hold of me again. In this there is little information from the Champion Centre because, like Medical Doctors, they really only deal with "clinical trial results" and since you can't patent broccoli or green tea, there aren't many people doing serious clinical trials on everyday food ingredients that might potentially have amazing disease preventing benefits. Research companies want to test things they can patent and make lots of money with, hence they test chemicals. Things they can patent. It really comes down to money instead of saving lives. A bit depressing. It leaves many of us stranded and confused and having to find our way through the maze of legitimate information, speculation, rumour, and big old scams. So that's where I am. Bah!

Last night my Auntie Anne stopped by ... conveniently at dinner time, we teased her! We were happy that we were able to convince her to stay and we enjoyed her company. Nothing fancy but we had lots and she brought pumpkin pie and grapes as well as some "pink things" that she'd picked up yesterday while she was working.

Overall, I'm having a good day today though I feel the fatigue kicking in now. I didn't have such a good night, though. Starting at 10:00 last night, I had stomach cramps right through to 7:30 this morning. I spent a lot of the night running to the bathroom, book in hand. Not much fun but hopefully whatever that was has passed. I've been generally very lucky to have minimal "parc" problems because some people on chemo really suffer with that.

My tastebuds are slowly disappearing and my tongue has turned whitish, but no mouth sores! No mouth sores is very good. It's another side effect a lot of people suffer with.

So ... many blessings to count! Have a great day, everyone!

Some Flowers Happier Than Others

About Reading

I hadn't been able to turn to reading during this icky cancer ordeal. For some reason ... chemo brain or whatever ... I haven't had the concentration most of the time and the pattern of fatigue hasn't suited my usual reading habits. Still, I've recently tried reading again and have had some success.

After chemo treatment number 5, I "read" (we'll use that term loosely), Wally Lamb's, The Hour I First Believed. "Loosely", means I skipped almost whole chapters. Well, I scanned them ever so quickly but, since those chapters were mostly a parallel story that didn't interest me as much, I skimmed them for only pertinent details so I'd get the connection to the main story and then just let those pages go. It worked, I think. It's not what I would normally do but I enjoyed the book anyway.

Getting through that one encouraged me to pick up another book after this treatment, but it was waaaaay overly ambitious. Susanna Clarke's, Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell. I bought it used some time ago and have always wanted to read it but I do not recommend it for chemo patients! Not only is it written in that old style of English writing with lots of run-on sentences, asides, and erroneous additional bits of information, it's also full of extensive footnotes, which sometimes turn into elaborate short stories of their own! Don't get me wrong ... I was thoroughly enjoying the book and I sometimes like that style though I admire spare writing more, but it is just too complex for my chemo brain to keep track of right now. I've set it aside for some day down the road. Note that it's hefty at 800+ pages. Silly choice for me in my circumstances.

So, not to give up, I switched to David Wroblewski's, The Story of Edgar Sawtelle and so far as page 17, I'm enchanted and really enjoying the writing. It flows in such a way that, so far, I'm able to follow it. We'll see if I end up skipping pages. Really, already the author has created some really wonderful images.

It's good to read again.

About Reading

Still Some Blooms

Yesterday I got out into the garden for a while. I was surprised to see how many of our flowers were still thriving! This particular type of hydrangea starts out with white blooms that eventually turn pink. Pretty! Last fall, I cut these blooms, spray painted them gold, and stuck them among the branches in our Christmas tree.

Yesterday I felt good. I was able to do some things earlier in the day but then hit my wall around 1:30. Just a wall of fatigue, that's all. No drama. I like when there's no drama. Has anyone watched CBC's Battle of the Blades? Kevin thinks it's HILARIOUS!! I get the biggest kick out of Ron MacLean!

As for side effect, of course, there's the numbness in the feet, toes and fingers that I'm getting used to. There's also numbness in my teeth and tongue. Weird! My calves suddenly go numb every now and then, too. My eyes are often dry.

Some other good things I forgot to mention yesterday ... my chemically burned face that so upset me last go around is now all new, baby soft skin! I know ... I know ... some people pay good money for that and I'd sworn off the whole idea after my experience, but the skin on my cheeks really is very nice right now, I must say. I haven't had much "burning face". Hardly any at all. I slept well last night with no galactic journey and I feel okay today. Okay is good.

Last night Sylvia gave my my 2nd neupogen injection meaning I only have 3 left! Woohooo!

Still Some Blooms

Last Night Was A Galactic Journey

What a strange night!

Yesterday, I had a buzzing, electrical sensation running through my whole body most of the day. It was as if I could feel all the little cells in my body being zapped. It didn't hurt.

Yesterday, too, besides being extraordinarily tired, my toes and fingers became more numb and my finger and toenails are softening (a dreaded side effect of the taxotere that can lead to losing nails). My nails were even painful sometimes. I need to be diligent about keeping nail hardener on them. I'm really expecting I won't lose them, this having been the LAST chemo! My nails just have to hang in there a little longer! Just a little!!

My eyes and vision were also a bit bothersome in the evening. Kevin put eye drops in for me and that seems to help.

But last night, after I went to bed, things got so weird I didn't even really want to go to sleep. It was like a strange galactic trip! Painless and trippy! Not that I've ever been on one of those, of course, but as I imagine. The best way I can think to describe it is as if the northern lights were inside you! You know that gentle, magical shifting they do? Well, that was how I felt inside and then, every now and then there would a very dramatic shift and even while I was laying there flat on my back, I would feel it in my head and get very dizzy. Then, just as suddenly, my head would clear and my stomach would do loop-de-loops! This went on for a couple of hours, I think, before the northern lights cleared and it was more like having a star field inside of me with stars randomly bursting in various parts of my body. That's a feeling I've described before ... the stabbing (minimal pain) in a knee, then an ankle, then in my surgical site ... and so forth. Not as much fun as having the northern lights inside. Anyway, it was a strange night. After the stomach churning, I had to get up and eat. I think the prednisone does make me hungrier more often. I didn't get much sleep until after 7:00 a.m but since I slept so much yesterday, I don't even know how to determine except that I don't feel overly tired this morning. I don't feel bad this morning at all. And that's a great thing!

Some other things to be grateful for ... my ankles are as svelte as my ankles can be again. Edema gone, though my pills run out tomorrow. I hope the edema doesn't come back! AND ... it occurred to me last night that I can now sleep on my right side now that my PICC-line is gone! It felt so luxurious!

Last Night Was A Galactic Journey

It's Just Not Fair ...

... Kevin looks better in everything than I do!! Even pink!

It's Just Not Fair ...

Even Crazier Than I Thought!

This is Crazy Splurge Club Peggy. My splurge club friends are notoriously crazy but Peggy even surprised some of us who know!! Can you believe she walked the whole 5 km in these stiletto-heeled boots??!! SHE DID!!! There were many witnesses ... all marveling!! I assumed she would change into runners when she got there but ... WRONG! Not our Peggy!!

Peggy, I'm sending you a pedicure, you crazy woman! She also raised a lot of money ... over $700. Correct me if it was more. You're a gem, Peggy! As are you all!

Thanks again to everyone who participated. I really enjoyed having the opportunity to see you all in the morning even if only briefly. I would have liked more chatting, of course. You all really buoy my spirits!

If I find out how much our teams raised, I'll post it here.

As for me, it was a good decision for me not to walk. I was so tired all day after the morning's adrenalin wore off. I slept from 10:30 to 12:30 and then for another 2 hours in the afternoon. And then I was sleepy the whole rest of the evening. I'm so down with that, though. If I could sleep this whole part away, I would!

Even Crazier Than I Thought!