I Feel Like A YoYo

Or at least that's how my progress to wellness feels. I'm feeling very discouraged today and was increasingly so over the weekend.

The downward slide started just a little vaguely in Louisville shortly before we came home. I was very tired in Louisville, but I attribute that mostly to the cold I had and that we were doing more during the day than I normally would be. I slept a lot and that was good and my cold is all but gone now. But also, a couple of days before we came home, I noticed that my toes were feeling funny ... more numb. I attributed that to my new deck shoes, which I was wearing without socks. Maybe they had just rubbed a bit.

But since I've been home, I've noticed that my toes have become more numb and the numbness is extending to the tops of my toes and the balls of my feet. These are parts that were numbed previously by the chemo but I had slowly been getting my feeling back. Now it seems to be reversing. Aggravating. My fingers are okay, though. No changes there. My legs have also slowly been getting more stiff and sore with each day. I have more trouble walking. This is very disheartening after seeing such improvements over the past month. My arms ... both of them now ... are so sore today, too. They feel very weak, too. I have to use two hands to hold an empty plate. I ache a bit all over ... almost like one of those bad flu bugs ... but I don't think it's the flu even though my stomach has been upset at various times today. I really don't think it's the flu. I have a headache and just feel generally crappy.

I tried to get ready for work and got as far as a bath and dressed in work clothes but I only got part of my makeup done. My arms got too tired to hold up for the painting on of eyebrows and eyes. And I was just so tired. I spent most of the day on the couch watching nothing epecially interesting. I didn't even make yoyo's today. Tooooo tired. The ones above are all I've done --- 39 and 4 minis. I have more fabric to work with but no energy for it today. Laura stopped by briefly to say Hi and to do some lacrosse business. It was refreshing to see her ... all vibrant and encouraging.

I've been feeling emotionally weak since Friday. Every day since Friday afternoon I've become a little weepy and very sad and maybe a little depressed every now and then. It doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel like me. I think it must be the effect of drugs even though feeling worse is certainly frustrating and depressing in it's own right, but I think this weepy reaction I'm having is a little over the top. I'm sure it's the drugs. Many women on tamoxifen are on anti-depressants. I don't want to go on any more drugs.

I'm not going to take my tamoxifen tonight. I'm giving myself a little tamoxifen vacation starting today. It took at least 3 months for the Arimidex to start leaving my system after only taking it for 6 weeks. Hopefully I'll feel some improvements sooner than that while I'm tamoxifen-free. I really don't know how much of what I'm feeling either physically or emotionally can be attributed to the tamoxifen. I see my Naturopathic doctor on Thursday, an Oncologist (I don't know which one yet) in a week or so and I see my Radiation Oncologist at the end of the month. Maybe ... I hope ... they'll have some suggestions and options or even some information that will help me make sense of the way I'm feeling.

But for now, suffice it to say I'm feeling pretty crappy. But who knows ... maybe tomorrow I'll feel great! Like I said ... a yoyo!

Thanks for your emails and Easter cards, everyone. I've been wanting to reply but am not in a good place for replies right now and my arms get so tired, too. My arms work okay if they don't drift far and if they're at about lap height but keeping them above elbow height is tiring. Computering seems to be tiring today, though I haven't tried typing with my computer in my lap. I might have to try that.

Like I said, hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow.

Oh ... and on the plus side ... my missing pink head-warmer arrived in the mail! It went missing on our 2nd last night in Louisville. I think it was gathered up with the laundry by house-keeping. I'm so glad to have it back because I still wear something to bed to keep my head warm. Auntie Eileen made this one and it's my favourite. I look forward to having it on tonight.