Blue Heather

This is what I did Friday night. I had pvr'd the royal wedding. Sylvia came over and she, Kevin, and I hunkered down in the family room and watched. Not all of it ... it's very long, isn't it? I still want to watch the parts I've missed.

I wish I'd had the energy to bother with gloves and a hat or even some tea, at least, but we didn't. I really did enjoy watching it and thought it was all very beautiful and exciting. I hope they really do live happily every after.

What I didn't do Friday night was go to my splurge party. That makes 4 in a row that I've missed. Did I even miss that many during chemo? Probably. Still, it doesn't seem right and it makes me feel quite blue. I had fully expected to be good to go and I was excited about it all month and then thought about it all week. Having had a long weekend and having given myself lots of down time, I thought I was on track. On Tuesday in particular I felt as good as I've felt in a long time. I had really good energy and didn't feel any afternoon sluggishness. It was quite remarkable and I thought it was a good indication that I'd be good to go on Friday night. But then I was feeling so good that I did more Tuesday evening than usual and then felt a little wired so I didn't go to bed as early as I should have. To be fair, I probably wouldn't have slept well if I had gone to bed earlier. My energy went swiftly downhill from there. By Friday at lunch I knew I was hooped. I was so tired Friday night. SO tired. And, in addition, during the day a new pain developed. A sharp and steady pain in a spot just under my left breast and over my ribs. It's not quite as bothersome today but it's still very tender. I don't like that. Not one bit. I'm hoping it will turn out to be just one of those mysterious but fleeting pains I get that seem to come out of nowhere and then, just as mysteriously, disappear. Please disappear pain. I haven't got time or energy for you.

Tonight we were invited out but, again, I didn't feel up to going. Kevin went without me. When I feel so bad at the end of the week, I really need my weekend to get myself feeling good by Monday so that I can get through the work week. Mom and Gary are coming in tomorrow because Mom has an appointment on Monday. I'm not very much fun. I poop out really quick. Of course, I get on a roll every now and then but then I pay for it later.

Other things this week have contributed to my blueness. My home communities of Kyle, White Bear, and Lacadena were hurting this past week and my heart and thoughts have been there, especially on Thursday when the communities gathered to remember a young member of the community gone too soon. Very sad.

And then I was disturbed by Ann's most recent post. Ann is from Sacramento, California and blogs about her breast cancer experience at Breast Cancer? But Doctor ... I Hate Pink!  She has quite the sense of humour even during some very dark times. I think she's going through an especially dark time.

I don't feel blue all the time but I feel that way much more than I ever have. It troubles me a bit. It's not typical. I'm not a "blue" type.  I'm not sure why I feel so bummed sometimes. Is it a bit of a post traumatic syndrome? I understand that PTS is quite common after a cancer experience, though often not acknowledged by the medical community who are pretty much done with you after you finish your treatments. I have lingering aches and pains and while those don't interfere with my daily activities, they are nonetheless there ... in the background ... and are more aggravating when I'm tired. And maybe it's because I'm overtired a lot of the time which results in my giving up a lot of my social life. That's good reason to feel bummed. All work and no play ... Well, I can't say NO play but it's sure less than was my custom and when I do have fun it usually costs me. And then there's the Tamoxifen. Depression is one of the side effects listed for Tamoxifen. I wonder how much of my "blueness" is simply caused by the medication? Maybe I'll know in ... say ... FOUR YEARS FROM NOW when I can stop taking it! Maybe.

But I'm alive. I'm alive and, for the most part, doing well. I feel guilty for wanting more and for still hoping for improvements. And I wish I could better master my fear of a recurrence. Every little ache and pain brings new fears. Before having cancer, I was unaccustomed to having aches and pains so I'm easily thrown off.  The greater distance I can put between me and treatment the better, though. I expect that in the fear department, time will be my friend.  Makes sense.

Next splurge is at the end of May. I'm going to be there. Dammit!!

Blue Heather