Friday, November 12, 2010

Pretty November

I thought the trees were quite pretty today so I snapped some pictures while walking from the parking lot to my office this morning. With the fog, the sky made a real blank background.

I have to say I feel a little under the weather today. Actually, I haven't been feeling up to snuff for the past week. I found each work day a struggle this past week and really feel like I need some down time. I don't just feel tired ... though I'm that, too ... but I feel "brain tired". And when I feel like this, I really struggle with my mind. It just doesn't work so good. I forget things ... I know, everyone else is forgetting things, too ... but believe me, this is a whole new level of memory issues. Today I had a meeting and I really struggled trying to communicate ... to pull the right words out of my mind to get my point across. I'm afraid I sounded a little "unprofessional". That bothers me. It really bothers me to lose words that used to come to me so easily. I notice it's worse when I'm tired, but I also feel that in general my memory is gradually worsening instead of getting better as I exected it would after chemo was done. I see that Tamoxifen can cause cognitive and memory problems so I wonder if that isn't the source of my brain issues. Maybe it gets worse the longer I'm on Tamoxifen? I don't know. I've read some women reporting that they thought they were sailing through Tamoxifen without any real side effects at all, only to find them developing even after being on the drug two or three years. So maybe it's possible that the Tamoxifen is causing me increasing mental grief. Anyway ... my brain needs a holiday. A holiday from trying to communicate. A holiday from being an embarassment!

Sadly, I missed my splurge club tonight. I just couldn't muster the energy even though I really wanted to see my splurge buddies. I had a feeling that even if I dragged myself there, I would end up sitting there without being able to focus my mind. You know that feeling when you're tired and/or have had perhaps one drink too many and you're in a noisy place and you know it's time to go home because you're unable to filter out all the other conversations going on in the place and can't focus on any one conversation? You just hear a jumble of words ... all those conversations at once? That's how I get when I'm tired and when my brain is tired, too. That would have been me tonight. A little waste of space. Or a little wasted in space. Either way suits.

Time to rest my brain.

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