Sunday, as I knew it would be, was a write-off for both Kevin and me. We were zombies. We got out of our too quiet house and wandered around Costco and ran some other driving errands. I knew we would need the day to regroup. What I wasn't expecting was how badly I would crash. I've been so exhausted and practically mentally and physically paralyzed. Until late yesterday afternoon I'd hardly been able to put two thoughts together and didn't feel like lifting a finger. I made it to work Monday morning for a meeting but came home at noon and slept, hoping that would be just what I needed. Apparently it wasn't enough. I was useless on Tuesday, too, and stayed home. On the couch. In front of the tv. It was a peculiar feeling in the late afternoon when I could almost feel a slow but steady lifting of a fog in my brain. Very strange. Freaky!
I find this struggling with compromised energy and the fatigue very frustrating. I find I have to be so disciplined and very protective of my down time. I still have to be diligent about saying "no" to others and to myself and I have to avoid making plans for weekday evenings. I'm very boring. VERY boring. And often useless. Kevin surely must be eager to get his more energetic wife back. I can't wait to get me back, too. I usually suffer for any bursts of energy I do indulge.
At any rate, I was able to work today and my brain felt engaged again. I was a little freaked out yesterday by how dead I felt inside. I don't think it was an emotional response to the kids leaving. As sad as it is to see them go, I'm glad they're both doing their thing even if it takes them away from here. No, I think all the activity and mental engagement of the past while just caught up with me and threw me for a loop and I just can't maintain that kind of schedule like I used to. I thought I'd have more stamina by now. I've been told that it takes about a year to get one's energy back after getting through treatment. I finished radiation on December 29 last year so, if that estimate is correct, I should be feeling steadily more energetic over the next 6 months. I hope my energy improves quickly because I'm really getting tired of being a drag. And I miss my friends of whom I see much less.
Forgive me for not answering emails or making phone calls. I just haven't been able. Maybe I can over the next little while. If only I could be storm-stayed for a week or so. And quiet my mind. And find some zen space. A state of grace. That would be nice.