Berny and Me

Today I finally met Berny in person! She was in town for medical appointments and so we arranged to have lunch together at Truffles, which turned out to be closed, so we went to Tusq. It was wonderful to finally meet her in person after meeting online through the blogosphere! I serendipitously found Berny's Boob Blog one day last summer while doing some breast cancer research and got so much comfort (yes, comfort) and information from reading about her ongoing experience with breast cancer. It turned out that we had the same surgeon and oncologist! While my treatment has come to an end ... hallelujah!! ... Berny's will continue on for some time yet. Even though this has been going on for a very long time for her and she has a lot to go through yet, she is a real inspiration. She has such grace and serenity and, as my cousin Velma recommends, "an attitude of gratitude". I found a great mentor in Berny.

I should always remember to fluff my wig before a photo! It's looking very wiggish here. Kind of like a helmet. My own hair was never very helmet-like, though I often wished for a much more controlled look than I ever managed. Still, I want my wild, unruly hair back asap!!

Last night I was very tired. VERY tired. It hit me like a brick at supper time. I slept a long time today, too. I only got up at 11:00, which wasn't much time to erase the pillow creases from my face in time to meet Berny! In fact, they were probably still there!

A little shout out to Gillian, who I saw downtown! She had walked all the way even though she still has a nasty cold. She had missed the bus to campus and was generally feeling a little beleaguered! Poor Gillian! We hugged.

I have things to do at home today and I'll probably take it kind of easy. We have a social event to look forward to tomorrow night! I want to be rested up so I can thoroughly enjoy it! It's a kaiser tournament. I've only played kaiser a couple of times ever so I'm not very good but I've been assured that there will be other kaiser newbies there, too. And it doesn't sound like they take it very seriously either, so deal me in.

My heart goes out to the people of Haiti and all who have been directly impacted by the earthquake. How awful!

Berny and Me

Today's Nutrition Seminar

Today I went with Erin and Laurie to a nutrition seminar at the U of S PAC Centre. While a lot of the information is repetitive, I don't think of it that way. I think of it as reinforcing. I find it really easy to get lazy and fall off the good nutrition wagon, so something like this keeps me conscious of all I need to be doing and I always learn something new, too. Another benefit to this particular seminar is that the nutritionist, Heather Hynes, works with athletes and so there were a lot of recommendations for very active people. This helps me better understand Luke's nutritional needs for when he's home in the summer.

This time, the new things I learned are that we should have at least 2 servings of fish per week. One serving = 1/2 cup. Even though I might have known to increase the amount of fish I eat, what I didn't know is that when choosing canned tuna, we should choose "light tuna" instead of "white tuna" to reduce our mercury consumption. Apparently, "light tuna" is yellowfin tuna, which has lower levels of mercury. I always buy white tuna. I'll be switching.

We also learned that Chocolate Milk is now considered the ultimate "recovery fluid" to consume after physical activity. Better than water or sports drinks. Here's why (found here: pdf - If you do any research, you'll find lots of information about this on the internet) ...

Chocolate Milk: An Ideal Sports Recovery Drink

• 90% water for hydration
• Carbohydrate to replace depleted muscle glycogen
• Protein to build and maintain muscles
• The optimal protein to carbohydrate ratio to refuel tired muscles
• Calcium and phosphorus for strong bones
• Potassium to help muscles contract and regulate body fluids
• B-vitamins to help convert food to energy for exercising muscles
• Great taste readily accepted by athletes encourages consumption
  

Today's Nutrition Seminar

Ringing In The New Year

I haven't worn any rings since last March, before I had my lumpectomy. I was afraid to wear them because of the risk of lymphodema. Wouldn't it be awful to have to have your rings cut off?

Yesterday, while looking for a pair of earrings to wear, I saw my rings and decided to try them on. The only one I can actually get on is my Grandma's wedding ring, which I've worn with my own for as long as I've had it. My own rings, as you see, don't quite make it. I feel I could get them on, but I fear I'd have trouble getting them off again.

I tried them on my right hand and they fit there about the same as they used to ... quite snug compared to how they used to fit on my left finger. That tells me that it's not just these 7 or 8 extra pounds making the difference. It might be some slight swelling in my fingers as a result of surgery and treatments. I thought my left fingers looked ever so slightly bigger. I think I'll wait a while and see if they come down. Otherwise, I'll take my rings in and get them resized. The difference is quite slight so I'm not concerned.

By the way, this colourful, woven doily is one Hannah gave me this year for Christmas. It's so pretty and interesting. She found it in an antique store in Vancouver.

On another note, you might notice the band of darkness near the bottom of each of my nails. That's evidence of the damage to my system from the radiation. It's wider than the lines I got from each of my chemo treatments. They were narrower ... like someone had taken a red felt marker and drawn horizontal lines across my nails. The lines from each of my chemo treatments have almost all grown out now. I can still see one near the top of most of nails. My naturopath pointed them out to me and it was interesting to me that I could very distinctly count each of my chemo treatments on my nails.

Ringing In The New Year

Wanna Cookie?

I baked last night. I haven't baked cookies for a long time and these are my favourites, which is good reason not to bake. I don't usually have any trouble resisting sweets but just knowing these are in the house ... like catnip to a cat. Kevin had to stir in the cranberries and chocolate chips at the end because my wrists had had enough, but he was only too happy to help!

I'm glad I took yesterday off from any commitments. I needed that. I didn't get my Christmas decoration boxes put away but I did clean out and rearrange the pantry and some kitchen cupboards. They needed it!

I wore a bra yesterday for the first time since the beginning of November. It feels okay and doesn't seem to irritate my radiated skin at all. Not yet. I'm still lotioning liberally and frequently. The most aggravating thing about wearing a bra is trying to do it up behind my back! I've never had trouble doing that before but this time, because of the pain in my right shoulder, which has nothing at all to do with cancer, I can't quite reach well enough. I can just reach but only just and then I don't have enough maneuverability and strength to actually latch it. I really dislike having to do it up at the front. It's a slam to my dignity ... kind of like having to roll over on to my hands and knees to get up off the floor or out of the tub!

I was in dire need of a couple particular items, so I did some shopping in the afternoon yesterday. The only pair of jeans I've been able to wear bit the dust last week. They were already challenging because in the summer, the lock part that keeps the zipper up must have broken so I could only wear them with tops that covered the zipper. Even then, I was constantly rezipping. Last week the fastener at the waist band broke and with the zipper the way it is, it's a repair job beyond my patience. Those jeans don't owe me anything. I picked them up at Costco and wore them a lot. So I went downtown and after much searching (everything seems really picked over), I finally found a very pair of plain, dark wash jeans that fit nicely and that were very marked down. I'm happy.

I also needed a particular type of shoe that I don't have. I can not believe the wear I've gotten out of a $5 pair of brown flats that I bought at Superstore two years ago. I bought them for bike riding to work, not wanting to risk wrecking good shoes (I wasn't the most confident bike rider, especially at the start), and still wanting to wear something that looked okay with skirts. I call those little brown flats (they have a red bow on the toe) my "cardboard shoes". They've got to be cardboard for $5! But they have endured beyond belief! I throw them in my suitcase when I go to Vancouver and wear them in the rain so as not to ruin my good shoes. I have worn them throughout my cancer treatments, especially since my joints started bothering me because they're so easy to slip on. They're kind of stretched out and they sit low on my toes, so they were the only pair of shoes I could wear when I had edema. But their time is up. Amazing shoes, they've been.

Now what I need for shoes is something I don't have. I need something black for the sake of versatility. I need leather. I want a slip on. I need a slightly elevated heel, which I think will help my walking by easing the strain on my right calf, which is the most bothersome. I need a very sturdy heel because my feet are still numb and I'm a little nervous about skinny heels, of which all of my heeled shoes are. I would prefer that they be somewhat flattering. So I was very happy to find a pair of naturalizers that filled all of the above criteria and, bonus, they were only $30. I won't mind wearing the crap out of them at that price. They also happen to have bows on the toes! Black patent bows! I wasn't looking for bows. I wasn't even wanting bows. But I can live with bows apparently and so that's what I have.

It was a successful shopping trip and a good day, except that my joints seem a little worse than they had been. Both yesterday and today. Bummer.

Bra. Shoes. Jeans. Approaching normal!!!

Wanna Cookie?

Simple Things

There's a yoga class this morning but I'm not going today. Today is a day off. I need one. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's true nonetheless. It doesn't take much daily activity to make me feel overwhelmed and exhausted. Just looking at the items on my calendar for the next two weeks overwhelms me a bit! It doesn't help that yesterday I was so tired from having such a crumby sleep the night before. I usually sleep good so an off night is unusual. Last night I slept good ... I was SO tired ... and today I'd like a quiet day to regroup and get a few things done at home ... such as getting those boxes of Christmas decorations put back where they belong.

Lynne came by yesterday and was so good to give me a personalized recommendation of exercises I can do for both core strength and stretching. She wrote them out for me, too, with little stick figure drawings to make it all clear. AWESOME! I'll do those today and at least feel like I've taken care of an exercise component. I feel a little daunted by exercise just because I have such a long way to go and I expect it will take so long to get to some reasonable state of fitness but Lynne thinks I'll be surprised at how quickly my strength and flexibility will come back. Thanks, Lynne.

I also want to do my Tamoxifen research today just so I know what I'm getting into. It's the most commonly used post breast cancer treatment drug being used and it's been used for many years now. Much longer than Arimidex. I just want to be very clear this time of what the possible side effects might be.

How's this for a lovely experience? A couple of Hannah's friends, Josh and Nina, invited her out for lunch earlier this week. They often get together for lunch or breakfast. Hannah was surprised when they picked her up in a beautiful rented car and they were both dressed up. It turns out they were on their way to a beach in Stanley Park to get married and they wanted Hannah to be their witness! They also picked up another friend under the same guise (having told him to bring his camera) and he was their other witness and photographer. Hannah said it was beautiful and very touching! It was raining and they had giant umbrellas to stand under. The couple then texted a bunch of friends and invited them to the room they had booked at a fancy hotel for a party that night to celebrate their wedding. How simple. How sweet. I'm very happy for Josh and Nina.

Simple Things

Speaking of Lacrosse ...

I just have to say how very proud I am of Luke. When Luke got back to Louisville after Christmas for his 2nd semester, he was pretty excited about his class schedule. He has a few days where his classes don't start quite so early and he planned to catch some much needed extra sleep those mornings. Not so fast ...

Last year's lacrosse practices usually started around 3:30. But this year that won't work because there are about 6 players who have classes during that time and they are required classes so they can't be changed. The only option for practices turned out to be 6:30 in the morning. IN THE MORNING!! That sounds awful!

Last night I was talking to Luke about it, sympathizing with him and the rest of the team, but Luke, while initially disappointed, has shrugged it off and taken a positive approach. I was so impressed to hear him say that he's adjusting to the early mornings even though he feels like an old man going to bed so early at night. He says it really makes them focus on the game and organize their time. He says he has some hard classes and some that will require a lot of work, but he feels up to the challenge. His very positive attitude and dedication and complete lack of whining make me feel very proud of him.

Here's the link to his page on the team roster at Bellarmine University. I'm glad to see they've finally started adding some player details on the website, though Luke is a math major and not a biology major. If I had been the photographer, I would have taken photos BEFORE practice and not AFTER when they all have helmet hair and helmet rash. Arden ... I like to call him Hollywood ... looks like he at least finger combed his hair and gave his Hollywood smile. Here's the link to Arden's page. It still needs some updating. It looks like the person responsible for the website is in the process of updating information.

Here's the link to their game schedule. Kevin and I hope to get there for a few games at the end of March.

Speaking of Lacrosse ...

Luke's Lacrosse Coach - Big Cancer Challenge

This is Luke's coach at Bellarmine University. His name is Jack McGetrick.

Last year Coach McGetrick told the team that he had been diagnosed with prostate cancer that had spread to his bones. Not good. But Luke says the man is a machine and in such incredible good shape. He works out every day and has continued to do so since his diagnosis despite pain.

Last week when the boys got back to school after Christmas ... at the start of their lacrosse season ... the whole team shaved their heads in support of their coach, who has only recently lost his hair (and signature mustache).

Yesterday I saw an article about how the college lacrosse community is rallying around Jack to help support him through this cancer battle of his. Here's the article if you're interested. Apparently his first chemo treatments didn't help and now he's undergoing a new chemo treatment regimen that isn't covered by his insurance and which costs $1500 per treatment out of pocket. It must be horrible to worry about medical costs while going through such a health crisis. Actually, I'm shocked to know that his costs aren't covered by his medical insurance! I know Jack and his wife have 2 sons of college age and they might have 2 daughters, too. I sure hope he's able to win his battle. If sheer toughness has anything to do with it, he's a sure winner. I hope the fundraising efforts are successful.

Checks of any denomination can be sent to:

Jack McGetrick Fund
C/O IMLCA
PO Box 644 Foresdale Mass 02644

Here are more articles (these ones from Inside Lacrosse) about Jack. Former Players Share Their Thoughts on Coach Jack McGetrick's Effect on their Lives and Coming Together: The Lacrosse Community Shows Its True Colors In Support of Bellarmine's Jack McGetrick.

Luke's Lacrosse Coach - Big Cancer Challenge

The Drug Puzzle

This morning I had bloodwork done and then I saw a new (visiting) oncologist. I liked him. He said that in response to the nasty side effect I experienced on Arimidex (the nearly debilitating joint, bone, tendon, muscle troubles) I have three options:

1. I could not take any drug. He does not recommend this option.
2. I could try the Arimidex again and see if I can build up tolerance. He said that would depend on the severity of my reaction to it (which I rate as quite severe) and he also said that most people would have already have started seeing improvement during the time I had been on Arimidex. I told him that I would rather not take anything than be on Arimidex again and that I found my experience of the side effect debilitating. Quality of life is definitely a consideration.
3. I could try Tamoxifen. This is the more familiar estrogen blocking drug (which is also what Arimidex does, but in a different way) and it is the one given to women who are premenopausal. This is what he recommends and so I said I would give it a try. But I'm going to wait another week or two and see if this joint problem will resolve itself first. This time I'm going to thoroughly research the drug FIRST and not just rely on the handout they gave me at the Champion Centre. The handout they gave me for Arimidex didn't mention the possibility of the side effect I experienced, which happens to be experienced by approximately 30% of all people who take the drug. I think that's significant enough to at least alert people to. I'm dismayed to read that one of the most common side effects of Tamoxifen is weight gain. *sigh* Just when I was getting excited about losing my chemo weight. Nothing like more challenges. Maybe I can lose in the next two weeks what I'm likely to gain once I start taking the Tamoxifen.

The above puzzle is the 1000 piece one that Mom and I did while I was in Kyle. It's Betty Boop portraying the 12 signs of the zodiac. We did it one evening. It was just the right amount of difficulty for me ... hard but not too hard. Much easier than figuring out the post breast cancer treatment drug puzzle.

The Drug Puzzle

Today's Accomplishment

Pretty toes! I'm the only person to go to the spa for a pedicure since Christmas who isn't also going on a hot vacation. That's okay, though. It was so nice out today, I wasn't complaining about going home from my pedicure in flip flops.

It feels sooooooo good to have smooth feet again. Just another to-do item to check of the recovery checklist.

Tomorrow I have bloodwork at 8:45 at the Champion Centre and I meet with the visiting Oncologist after that to talk about Arimidex and, hopefully, to find a new approach. I hope it's not going to be "trial and error", though that's what I expect. Kevin's coming with me. I'll be glad for the extra ears and memory.

Tomorrow afternoon, Lynne is going to stop by and show me some exercises that might be helpful for me. More goodness on the way to wellness.

Wednesday and Friday mornings I have yoga again and on Thursday at noon, I'm attending a nutrition seminar with Erin. Again ... more goodness. Next week I hope to try some of the drop-in "gentle" classes listed in the Leisure Guide. I also plan to start walking on a track on a regular basis. I'll need to first figure out when my energy is best for that. I know I have to be careful not to overdo things. I also need to ask someone about doing water exercises. I'm not sure that my radiated skin is supposed to be in chlorinated water yet. I need to find out when the go ahead is for swimming. It looks there are some good aquatic exercise classes offered and I'll bet they would be good for me. I know that hot-tubbing is out of the question for now, if not forever. That's too bad because relaxing in a hot tub would be very nice. Still, I won't be losing sleep over trivial things like hot tubs, hot vacations and discombobulated eyebrows!

Today's Accomplishment

Monday Hair Shot

Here's my fluff after shampooing and conditioning ... and towel fluffing. Maybe it really is longer than last Saturday! The part that isn't fluffy is the front where my wig grips (you can see the red lines from my wig even after having it off for at least an hour). I have to stop wearing my wig, I think, if I want my hair to come in along pressure points. That's a scary thought since I want to try to spend more time out of the house and in the gym.

I went to a no-tears yoga class this morning! Aren't you proud of me?! I didn't feel even the slightest urge to cry. Another hurdle cleared. Of course, I totally suck at yoga but ... nonetheless ... it can only be good for me. One of my most significant barriers to my yoga-ing is my right shoulder and isn't related to anything cancerish at all! I have this nagging impingement syndrome in my shoulder that didn't bother me at all during cancer treatments until I started having the joint, bone and tendon problems. And now it's back. I do know, though, a simple exercise that should help it and so I must start that right away. It really causes a lot of sharp shoulder pain when I move my arm in particular ways, such as tucking in a shirt or putting on a jacket.

I've cancelled tomorrow's massage appointment under the advisement of someone I trust. She recommended that I wait a few more weeks at least before having a massage because of risks related to lymphodema. In fact, when I do go for a massage, it was suggested I make sure the therapist has specific knowledge and experience massaging women who have been treated for breast cancer. Duly noted. I will wait and ask a few more questions before I book again.

Since I had to cancel something I was so looking forward to, I instead booked myself for a pedicure today. My feet have taken a beating even though I'm still give them considerable attention. They're very dry still and a big rough. My toes are completely numb as are the bottoms of my feet (but I can feel the tops). I notice how awful my feet are especially now that I'm attending yoga classes. Time to make my feet feel pretty so I'm off to that appontment right away.

Monday Hair Shot

Sky

I can't remember the last time I enjoyed a sunset! It was so nice to get out of town and into wide open spaces.

Dinner last night was at the hoppin' busy White Bear bar. I had a GIANT burger and when I say "giant" I doubt that you fully appreciate the ginormousness I'm talking about unless you've also had a burger at White Bear bar. Half of that burger alone was a giant burger! The bun is less a bun and more a loaf! I kid you not! I should have taken a picture. Even then you wouldn't believe it! Darrel took home the rest of my burger for Otto. Cindy and Wade happened to be at the bar for dinner, too. It was great to have a little more time to catch up with them.

Mom and I did some more computer configuring this morning. We got her scanner figured out and I downloaded Picasa for her. Picasa, software for organizing and using photos, has face recognition technology and it's pretty slick! After some easy set up, it quite quickly recognizes faces and then labels photos with the appropriate names so they're easy to find again.

On my way home this afternoon, I stopped briefly to see Elaine and Ken who are both understandably gaga over grandchild number 9 ... Rachel. I can tell, though, that they're thinking an even 10 would be nice. And when they get there ... and I'll bet they do ... they'll be thinking, "Why not a dozen"?!

And here I am at home ... ready for a tearless yoga experience tomorrow. Honest, I have no reason to cry and had no reason last week either. Sheeesh!

I realize I didn't post my promised Saturday hair shot. I'll do that tomorrow. I don't think there's been any evident progress, though. Still, maybe there is and I just don't see it. I'm going to stick to the weekly shot just in case.

Sky

Way Back When ...

... I used to have hair! Eighties hair. I think I must have been 19 or 20 here, though I don't quite remember when this photo was taken. That would make it a 70's photo but perhaps I was a hair style leader? NOT!!

I visited Cindy this afternoon and that's about all I've done today. It was great to see Cindy and Wade, too. Mom and I are meeting Darrel at White Bear for dinner in a while.

Yesterday was a slow day. I caught up on a little sleep with a nap over supper. Mom should have woken me up but she decided to let me sleep instead so we ate at 8:00. And then I had a very long sleep last night, too. I should be well rested. Last night Mom and I watched a couple of movies while taking apart ties that Mom has collected and plans to make a crazy quilt with. During the day we did some computer work ... sorted out some bugs, set some things up ... that kind of thing.

My limbs don't feel as nagging today. YEAH! I know not to get ahead of myself, though. Maybe the extra sleep makes a difference, though I can't imagine how that would make the difference.

Here's a curious thing. I now have some hair growing on my legs! I first noticed it last Wednesday but I'm in no rush to shave it off. But here's the strange thing. The hairs are getting longer but I only have them from my ankle to mid-shin. There are no hairs at all above that line. Why would that be? And still no armpit hairs (not that I'm complaining). It just seems odd to me that hair doesn't start coming back all at once. Curious.

Eyebrow hairs are also growing back, but that's a whole new dilemma of the minor kind. It turns out I've been drawing my eyebrows on in the wrong place. I've been making myself look perkier than I really am! So I'm still drawing on eyebrows but I'm conflicted. I want to draw them higher but then I end up with this foggy looking patch beneath the line and if I make them thicker, that looks weird, too. What to do? What to do? I think I need professional eyebrow help. It might have helped if I'd ever paid my eyebrows any attention before I lost them altogether but I've pretty much ignored them all my life. Now I'm paying for lack of eyebrow attention. I'll figure it out. I like the "awake" look better, though.

Way Back When ...

Hello From Kyle!

I had a a great road trip. The highways were good and the music was super! Since Christmas I've been on a real Nick Cave jag so mostly Nick and Me were filling the car with sound on the way to Kyle.

Mom and I went for birthday dinner to a local establishment and then came back to Mom's place where we started and finished a 1000 piece Betty Boop puzzle. Jigsaw puzzles are a Kerr family Christmas tradition.

I'm helping Mom sort out a few computer bugs. She's on the phone and I'm looking at her photo file and I had to share this one. This is Uncle Keith and Grandpa Ernie Porter at the back and Uncle Allan, Mom and Grandma Jean Porter in the front. This is before Uncle Norman came along. Don't they look positively gangsta? Dillingeresque?

More computer tutorials today. Have a great day, everyone!

Hello From Kyle!

Happy Birthday, Mom!

Today I road trip (YEAH! ROAD TRIP!!) to Kyle for Mom's birthday and I plan to stay until Sunday. Depending on the state of Mom's computer, I may or may not be updating my blog over the weekend.

Last night wasn't so good. I felt really crappy and I could hardly move. The morning did me in, I think. My finger joints were even a lot worse last night, though, and that shouldn't have had anything to do with my yoga experience. A good night's sleep and kind words from my team made the difference and I feel okay today.

I had an appointment with my family doctor this morning and I go on the 20th to have skin tags zapped with liquid nitrogen. I got my Vitamin D test results back. On the report, optimal Vitamin D level is between 70 and 250 nanomoles per litre. My Vitamin D level was at 74. That's after taking 4000 IU of Vitamin D for about 3 weeks before I was tested. Other research I've read suggests an ideal level is between 90 and 100 nmol/L.

I also got a call this afternoon from the Champion Centre and I have an appointment on next Tuesday for bloodwork and for a meeting with a visiting oncologist to discuss Arimidex and other possible options.

Now to pack and hit the road! Bon Voyage, mons amis! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM!!

Happy Birthday, Mom!

Road Trip!

I made hamburger (with chickpeas) soup today. This is it. I'm waiting for it to cool before I taste it.

I'm a little calmer tonight after my emotional roller coaster day. Exhausted but calmer. It helped to have Kevin come home. I cried all over again telling him about my stupid cry fest at yoga. It's so aggravating because it's so misleading to others. I bet I'll be better next time, which is Monday. Better at not crying, that is. Not likely to be better at yoga. Man, I suck!!

Tomorrow I'm going to Kyle to spend a few days with Mom. It's her birthday tomorrow, so the timing is right. Plus, it's wonderful to be free to travel again! It will be good to get out of town ... spend some time with Mom ... and ROAD TRIP!! I love road trips. Me ... the highway ... tunes ... loud singing. No crying permitted.

So tonight I'd better finish putting away the rest of the Christmas decorations. Kevin brought me a couple of empty boxes from work, so that will help.

Congratulations to Elaine, who is 9 times a Grandma! Don't ask!!

Road Trip!

If You Need A River, I Can Cry You One!

Vegetables. Almost as cheery looking as flowers! And better for me nutritionally, if not psychologically.

What a day it's been already! Yikes! I'm exhausted. Time for true confessions.

Last night was just great. I didn't crash as anticipated in the afternoon. I washed and prepped a bunch of vegetables so they'd be ready for use. I made a nice salad and Kevin made pasta and sauce. We watched the hockey game and my heart sank for the Canadian team but, still, we shared the joy with the winning American team. Both teams gave us two very entertaining games of hockey. The win could have gone either way. They're all winners even if only one team has the gold. I then still had energy and was able to pack away a lot of Christmas decorations.

This morning I was excited about going to my first yoga class. Much to my annoyance, I started crying pretty much as soon as I said "hi" to my yoga instructor. There was no reason for me to be crying. I wasn't afraid. I wasn't in pain. I wasn't feeling emotionally weak ... well, not until after I started crying that is. And then I cried through most of the whole class. I can't even explain it and that's the other annoying part. I pride myself on honest self analysis and I can almost always make sense of the hows and whys of what I do and how I respond to things and am able to align my behaviour with my principles. But this crying business of mine since I was diagnosed, I can't explain except to pass it off as simple release of tension ... tension I don't even know is there. It's embarrassing and makes me nervous about going into new situations, even though I wasn't nervous about this yoga class because I was feeling so confident and thrilled about finally feeling able to start moving forward.

The yoga instructor was lovely! She was so conscientious and always provided me with alternative movements and frequently asked about my energy and comfort levels. It's a small class and the environment at Oshun House is very intimate and peaceful. I believe, in fact, that the yoga studio used to be a chapel. The acoustics are wonderful and our instructor has such a beautiful singing voice ... it was positively haunting (in a perfectly wonderful way) in that room. I would go again if only to lay on the floor with my eyes closed and hear her sing, which is what she does at the end of the class while we're breathing and letting our bodies turn to jello.

The yoga itself ... even more challenging for me than I had anticipated. I couldn't even sit properly. Getting down on the floor is even hard. Between lost strength and the stiffness in my joints, tendons and muscles, I pretty much have to fall part of the way to the floor to get there. I do the same thing in the tub. And then getting up is another matter. have to turn onto my hands and knees and rise from there. It's not pretty. And certainly not graceful. I really felt my limitations in the class but that was balanced by it being such a small group and by the instructor being so gentle and considerate. And there I am, tears streaming down my face and pooling in my ears. Such an idiot I feel. But I'm going back. I signed up for at least 4 classes. I need to give it an honest try. And even if I don't get any better at it within the next two weeks, it still can only be good for me. Hopefully the crying part is done. I've found that during this ordeal, I typically cry at my first experience with anything ... my first blood tests ... my first meeting with the oncologist and radiation oncologist ... my first chemo and radiation treatments ... and so forth. It's something I really wish I could control because it ALWAYS makes me feel ridiculous and it gives the wrong impression. I'm really not that fragile. It's the crying that makes me FEEL fragile. NATCH!!

On the way home I picked up a leisure guide at the field house and will peruse that this afternoon. I also stopped at Winners to calm myself ... hahaha. I bought some canisters for my tea.

As soon as I got home, the phone rang and it was someone from the Champion Centre just following up with me to see how I'm doing. I was surprised and very pleased to have a follow up call. That means a lot, especially after worrying about falling between the cracks now that I don't have an assigned oncologist. The person who called asked about my skin and my energy level and asked if I'd thought about returning to work. It was good to have that conversation with a medical professional because nobody has talked with me about that yet and I am uncertain about when will be the right time. I'm eager to get back to normal but I don't want to have any setbacks either. She told me that typically people who have been through what I have go back to work 6 to 8 weeks after finishing radiation. I had hoped to start earlier and I still might because, of course, it really depends on so many variables. I hope to feel energetic enough to start even on some graduated schedule before that. For me, the biggest factor in determining when I can go back to work is the state of my joints. If they start improving by the middle of January, as I've been told they should, I'll feel more optimistic. Of course, I also have to be able to stay awake. I was told it might be 3 or 4 months for me to be able to get through the days without feeling too exhausted.

Patience, Heather. Patience. Cancer isn't for everyone!

And now I'm home ... in the security of my bubble ... having a healthy lunch and listening to soothing music - Hannah gave me 3 new music cds for Christmas and I'm acquainting myself with them. It's been a draining day so far. Need music.

If You Need A River, I Can Cry You One!

Taking Flight

Another day. Another optimistic list of things to get done.

First though, this bird. This is my most treasured Christmas gift that I almost didn't get. When we got to Jim and Lynne's on Christmas day there were a couple of things to open and when I'd finished, Mom noticed that something was missing. Despite my telling her not to worry about it ... whatever it was would surely show up ... Mom went out to her car and after not finding the small package in her trunk a bright piece of paper in the snow beside the car caught her eye and there it was. And this is what it was. I would have been heart broken if it had been lost or run over. So would Mom have been! It's a swallow that Dad carved and painted. There is an original swallow that was Grandma Kerr's and that I remember admiring on the wall. Dad must have liked it a lot, too, because he carved a little flock of them ... enough that there would be one for each of us kids, with Jack getting the original. I LOVE this little swallow. I can't decide where to put him. Hannah suggested high on a wall, maybe near the top of one of the arched doorways in the living room. I think that's a good idea. And it's light enough that I'll be able to stick it in place with some tape or fun tack so it can be easily moved. To give you some idea of it's size, it's 5.5" x 3". I just LOVE it! The troubling thing is how do I decide which of my own two kids should get it in years to come? I think I'm going to have to learn to whittle so I can make another one. And then I'll need a front porch because isn't that where whittlin' is done?

Today I booked a one hour massage for next Tuesday afternoon. I'm excited about having one and hope it contributes to my general wellness.

I also booked a Doctor's appointment to see about getting a particular skin tag removed. I haven't read anything about the possibility of a relationship between cancer treatments and skin tags but I notice that during the past year I have developed several around my neck and one large one in particular. It's the one I think I should have removed or it might end up getting caught in my clothes and being ripped off. I don't want that.

I had a long sleep. The paper is read. Breakfast finished. Blogging done. Now it's time to get myself put together and do some chores and errands. It's probably best to get as much done early in the day as I can, anticipating that I'll crash hard come late afternoon. And since I'm going to be a couch potato (a very tense and nervous one) during tonight's gold medal hockey game, that's okay. Go, Canada, Go!!

Taking Flight

They Might Be Baby Steps But They're Still Steps

Fresh veggies in the fridge! And other things!

I feel I had a productive day, though I really didn't get so much done. I felt so energetic and inspired this morning and it's not that I'm feeling badly now but I must say fatigue hit me a like a brick about half an hour ago. It amazes me how quickly I can go from feeling GREAT to feeling REALLY TIRED. Unless I get another burst of energy in a while, I'm done for the night. I'm still hoping I'll perk up a bit after dinner so I can get a start on boxing Christmas decorations and get some bedding washed. If not, there's always tomorrow. I know I'm going to have to accept that it will take a while to build up my energy and that it will take me longer to get things done than it did before cancer treatments. Patience, Heather. Patience.

I got groceries today and made a dental appointment. I also talked with my friend, Laura, who recommended a massage therapist as well as a yoga instructor. If I'm feeling up to it on Wednesday morning, I'm going to try a class at Oshun House. Thanks, Sylvia, for your suggestions, too. I still want to get a copy of the leisure guide to see what's available elsewhere. That's on tomorrow's to do list.

I caught up on the phone this afternoon with my cousin, Lori, and now Kevin is home.

After my bath today, I closely examined my radiated area and I must say I'm very happy with how things are looking. There is only redness in the small area that received the 5 booster radiation shots and even that isn't so red as it was. The other skin is a murky brown ... not a nice suntan brown. It's more dirty looking. But the peeled area is really healing nicely and there's no additional peeling yet. If the red skin can hold on, I think I'll be in the clear, though I was told skin can still break down for a while yet. There's about a 4 or 5 inch square of brown skin on the left side of my upper back. A square with a tail, really. A tail that extends toward my armpit. It's a dirty brown colour and is packed full of freckles! It kind of looks funny. I hope it fades. I wonder if the freckles will fade, too? Anyway, the main thing is that everything is healing nicely and that I almost felt like a normal (as normal as I get), healthy human being for a while today. YEAH!!

They Might Be Baby Steps But They're Still Steps

The Party's Over!

It may be over, but it is still feeling like a new world full of potential for me. I hope the feeling lasts. It's a little sad to be waking to an empty house but I'm also eager to get on with all the getting better business and I need to wake to an empty house to do that. I need time and space to plan ... get organized ... do some things.

Today, I need to get groceries. Vegetables. I bet I'm not the only one feeling a little short on vegetable intake. Despite the best of intentions over the holidays, that seems to happen.

Today I need to start getting our house back. My house has to be in a state where it's helping me get better, if you know what I mean.

Today I need to pick up a copy of the leisure guide. After keeping the one that came in the newspaper for a while, I stupidly threw it away on a day when I felt like I'd never be able to move my body normally again anyway. While my joints haven't improved, I'm quite certain they will ... very soon ... and I think it best if I start a walking program right away (for which I don't need the leisure guide) and a stretching program, for which I want to look at the leisure guide because I seem to remember in past issues there being some specific classes for people just coming out of long illnesses ... a VERY beginner class ... and that's where I feel I'm at. I need to start somewhere and a class to plan for and get to might work better for me than just stretching however I feel at home. If anyone has any class recommendations, I'd be grateful.

Today I need to book a massage for next week sometime (give my tender, radiated side another week). I've never had a massage in my life but I hear from so many that it can be very good for me. If anyone reading this can recommend someone, I would be grateful.

Today I need to book a dental appointment. Yesterday afternoon I noticed that a piece of my very back upper tooth on my left side is missing. It doesn't hurt and I don't know if it's a chunk that fell off on it's own or if it's a filling that fell out (though I don't think so because it feels like it's right on the front). I'd better have it looked at and the timing is good to see my dentist anyway now that my treatments are over. I saw my dentist in May 2008 just before chemo began as all the literature recommends. I'm not sure if treatments have caused any problems for my teeth, but it wouldn't surprise me if they had. A consultation with my dentist is a good idea at this time, I think. And a cleaning, if my dentist gives me the go ahead.

Everything I do now is geared to getting back my life. I'm excited about that and about gaining the stamina for a normal life again. I'm even crossing my fingers that I'll be able to develop more stamina than I had before I learned I had breast cancer. After all, the tumour had been there for a while and maybe it was the reason or part of the reason I'd been feeling so tired and worn out the past few years. I'm very excited about the possibility of gaining back more energy than I've had for a long while. And I'm excited about getting back to work ... feeling purposeful ... having lunch with my colleagues ... biking in the spring and summer on my beautiful orange cruiser to and from the University ... having more than just occasional fun with friends ... feeling engaged again in all kinds of things beyond my health. That's the ticket!

But first, I have to read today's paper!

The Party's Over!

De-Christmassing

Our kids are gone. The house is quiet. The house is a disaster! We're exhausted. And a little bit blue.

While Luke was packing, it seemed like the right time to start taking down Christmas decorations. Kevin and I did a little more when we got home from the airport. Most of the decorations are piled in the dining room waiting to be reboxed tomorrow. I have my work cut out for me. When I de-Christmas, as I'm sure everyone else does, too, and I'm sweeping up pine needles and bits of glitter, it seems like the time to do a thorough cleaning. Since a major cleaning was in order anyway, last night was the perfect time to have a party in the house. Everything seems sticky. So I'll put all of my energy into house cleaning tomorrow. And stripping beds ... laundry ... basically a head to toe in the house ... as much as I can manage. I'll just keep the memories. Wahhhh ...

We got to the airport in good time just in case there were "issues". Everything went smoothly at this end. We met Arden and his parents, there ... made sure the boys were seated together and had time for a quick coffee together before the boys went through security. They couldn't take their backpacks on the plane with them. They had to be checked, so they carried their computers, ipods, papers and lacrosse heads on with them. They'll be able to pick up their backpacks in Minneapolis and carry them with them on the plane to Louisville. I think they get a very thorough frisking in Minneapolis, too. The boys are looking forward to that, I think. I was kidding them about wearing dirty underwear for the occasion.

I think everybody needs one more day of vacation. Still, I'm looking forward to moving forward. After a good sleep.

De-Christmassing