To You and Yours!

To You and Yours!

Christmas vs Battle Fatigue. Christmas wins!

Finally, another quilt square done. Nine squares done - 11 to go! I guess I won't have them finished by Christmas. I'll shoot for half done, which means I need to get another one finished tonight.

I'm so nervous about the state of my skin. Very minor extensions of my left arm cause stinging. Stinging, to me, suggests cracks in the skin but I can't see any cracks and there's no blood. That's good. I continue to apply lotion, including several times during the night. As it gets closer to my appointment time I'm going to try lotioning and stretching repeatedly until I can (hopefully) comfortably move my arms over my head in preparation for today's treatment. I see my radiation oncologist today, too, and maybe he'll be able to tell me more about my skin's condition and whether or not it is likely to hold.

Joints and tendons - no improvements. Bah!!!

Mostly, I think I've been experiencing battle fatigue over the past couple of months. You would think treatments being so close to being DONE WITH, I'd be more elated but I just feel so dragged down by all of this. It's been 11 months since I was first told that something looked worrisome in my ultrasound and then my mammogram. That seems like an awfully long time and the time, for me, has gone so slowly. If it wasn't for the joy of the season and kids coming home and family and friends and all that cheer, I really think I'd be pretty miserable. With that in mind, I'm especially grateful for timing and for the cheer I get from everyone. The reminders that better health and a return to some kind of normalcy is just around the corner. At last. At last. At last. HOLD THAT THOUGHT!!!!

One more sleep to Hannah!!!

Christmas vs Battle Fatigue. Christmas wins!

Is this too formal?

Is this too formal?

My Christmas Card To All My Irregular Friends!

I know I'm not going to get around to sending Christmas cards this year. In fact most years, despite the best of intentions, I don't get around to sending Christmas cards. This year, I'll post a new Christmas greeting to you each day this week right here on my blog.

Who would want a regular friend when you can have much more interesting IRREGULAR friends? Me! That's who!!

My Christmas Card To All My Irregular Friends!

Only 4 Left! And 2 Sleeps to Hannah

Radiation Treatment Status: 26 done. 4 to go!

Today was the first of the "booster rads". These are shallow proton beams that go directly into the area where my tumour was. That should mean no more burning of the delicate and now crispy skin under my arm. I'm so glad of that. So far my skin is holding together but it's very on the edge I think. When I move my left arm very far it feels like my skin is cracking there and it stings but when I look, I can't see any breaks in the skin. I apply lotion like crazy now just trying to keep that skin from breaking. Today was the first time I really, REALLY had a hard time putting my arm over my head for the radiation treatment for the above mentioned reason.

Last night we had a very nice family dinner at Darrel and Lynn's. Josh and Noelene go home today and so this was a chance to have some "Christmas" with them. We were all there except sick Jim, exam-writing Hannah, and Calgary Jack, Jodi, Meghan and Dawson. It was nice to see the older cousins (that would be all of them except Meghan and Dawson who weren't here) hanging out and playing games together. Mom was in for the event, too, and went home this morning. She'll be back in a couple of days.

Despite the arm discomfort, I feel better today than yesterday. Maybe that's because I went back to bed for a couple of hours after my radiation treatment. My joints are middle of the road, the worst part right now being my lower right calf that seems seized up today and has me limping about. I think I'll try a hot bath on it. Then ... we still have that tree to decorate. How long can you have an undecorated fir tree in your house before it's considered weird?

Only 4 Left! And 2 Sleeps to Hannah

A Good Day to Sleep Away

It's getting close to Christmas day! How very exciting! Three more sleeps until Hannah's here.

I didn't have such a great night last night. I just couldn't sleep well and was quite uncomfortable. I used a saline compress at some point in the middle of the night and eventually fell asleep. I just feel tired and "blick" today so far. My joints aren't any better either. Let's just say there's a lot of room for improvement. It would be best if I could just sleep right through until tomorrow.

It looks so sunny and pretty outside ... a perfect day to be out running errands if one was so inclined. That's what Kevin is doing right now. We plan to decorate the tree this afternoon. It does smell Christmassy in the house with the tree up. Hannah will love that. Kevin stocked the liquor cabinet last night. Hannah will love that, too. So will we all!

A Good Day to Sleep Away

Tight and Bright

Tight and Bright. That was the theme of the party Luke went to last night. Here was his look. All yellow with a definite touch of Blue Steel. Last year he went to a Short and Shiny party. Crazy kids!! Value Village ... or, as Carol calls it ... vallOOvillAGE ... is the source for theme party wear.

I, on the other hand was Dull and Droopy last night so I was in bed at 10:30 and stayed there until almost 10:00 this morning. I got up when I did because I knew my pals, Carol and Pat were coming by at 10:30. I was well rested and that's a good thing. We went out for brunch and had a nice chat and some laughs. I'm sure we solved all the world's problems as well as some of Carol's specific concerns.

I came home to Kevin making like a merry maid. He had done dishes and was washing floors between loads of laundry. Good man! Luke cleaned the bathroom. Bonus!

Elaine came by for a visit in the afternoon. Such a rare pleasure! Ken dropped her off while he went shopping and then even he stopped in for a moment to say Hi. What a good day I've had!

My skin doesn't feel too bad today. As long as I keep it lotioned, it's best. Otherwise the skin is crispy and doesn't have any elasticity. Well, more like NO elasticity. I have to be careful not to stretch my arm, though it's better if I've just applied lotion.

My joints aren't any better. Same old in that department. It still baffles me!

Thanks, Mike and Kristel for the Christmas baking you dropped off! Lovely!

And now, like last night, I'm very, very chilled and must have a hot bath.

Tight and Bright

Mmmmm ... Shortbread!

My joints are as bad as they've ever been today. How can that be? How is it that I had that one day during all of this that my joints felt SO much better? One day. How can that be? And then back to this? ARGHHHH!!

Nonetheless, I went out with Luke this afternoon for a while to do some Christmas shopping. By the time we were done, my joints were really cooked and this evening I'm again looking like I belong in an assisted living home. And I have the shivers. I can hardly get warm enough. I'll be having a hot bath soon, though I won't be getting any hot water on my tender flesh.

Rhonda stopped by and it was lovely to see her and wish her a merry Christmas in person. She dropped off some beautifully packaged homemade cookies! And they're SHORTBREAD!! My weakness!! I had to get a picture of them before they disappear. I might get Luke or Kevin to hide them somewhere in the house for the time being. Thanks so much, Rhonda!

No parties for me tonight. Maybe another movie. If I can stay awake.

It was sure pretty outside today, wasn't it? If I'd been out walking, I would have taken some pictures.

Mmmmm ... Shortbread!

Another Book Finished

Last night I finished reading Bel Canto by Ann Patchett.

I thought it had such promise. Intriguing premise, interesting characters, all kinds of possible directions for the story to go. But it failed to hold me and turned out, for me, to be a big disappointment. Even though the story was dragging for me, I continued just because I was interested in the characters and I felt that surely something truly interesting was going to happen. The ending just seemed like a last minute, tacked on piece; as though the author had painted herself into a corner and just needed a quick way out. Very disappointing. I can't recommend it.

I must say, though, that there are several readers who have reportedly found it "enchanting" and "satisfying" and the book has won awards. You'll find the synopsis and some reviews at Amazon.

Another Book Finished

Chaos Before Order

Here is the beautiful Alyssa making Christmas cookies in her Mom's kitchen. Where's Carol? Well, before she emerged with camera she was hiding in the closet so she wouldn't have to look at the kitchen disaster! From her closet she was sending out phone SOS's to friends like me! I wish Alyssa would come here and make Christmas cookies in my kitchen. I'm okay with disasters. One look at my kitchen and you know why.

Radiation Treatment Status: 25 done. 5 to go! Thank the Lord it's nearing DONE!! I'm glad I have 2 days off. The area is becoming quite sore now and I'm not the happiest of campers on the inside. Today was my last major radiation treatment. The next 5 are boosters and are directed straight on my breast. The radiation therapist explained to me that the treatments I've had up to now have been x-ray type beams that go right through me (I have a red square on my back where the beams exit). The next 5 will be proton beams that only go a short way below the surface of my skin, which is why they can be aimed directly at the area without worrying about them going as far as my heart and lungs. Excuse my elementary explanation and I can't say I have it entirely correct, but that's what I pulled out of the more technical explanation I was given.

Yesterday I had hoped to get out and run a few Christmas type errands but I never left the house. I just didn't feel all that great ... I was tired ... I was chilled to the bone. Blah! Blah! Blah! Kevin and I watched a movie last night. That was my speed. I had trouble getting to sleep at night just because I was so uncomfortable. I finally got up and tried the saline solution compress. I read on the couch while being saline compressed and it did soothe things a bit. I don't know how saline solution soothes but remarkably it does.

While I was lounged on the couch, Luke came home with Evan, Davis and Sloane. I hadn't seen the girls for a long time because they were traveling much of last year. It was wonderful to see them! I really miss Luke's and Hannah's friends who have always been such a big part of our lives and I love that they come by when our kids are home. I think I freaked Sloane and Davis out a little, though, since I didn't have my props (wig and face paint) handy. Without props I really do look like someone who should be in a hospital ward. Poor girls. I hung around long enough to have some laughs and make sure they recognized the me inside and then I high-tailed it to bed where I was able to get comfortable enough to sleep. I'm a left side sleeper and now have to sleep on my right side, which wouldn't be an issue except that it makes me nervous having had some bad experiences before. Bad experiences being hit in the face and sneezed and coughed at directly in the face. It's nothing Kevin could help, of course, since he was asleep at the time but I've always slept facing the wall as a matter of self preservation.

Thanks, Kevin, for coaching me through last night. It's almost over.

Chaos Before Order

Where There's An Itch ...

Laurel, you're SO funny! Even though there wasn't any note with this handy little tool I found in my mailbox, I know it was from Laurel because she hinted at something like this earlier.

The above photo is what Laurel originally thought was the perfect thing for me. After she learned about the tenderness of my skin, she adapted it as below. Mittens!! Hilarious. Hilarious AND very useful!! Thanks so much, Laurel, for both the laugh and for this perfectly useful scratching device. I can put away my wooden spoon. My tender, itchy spots thank you, too.

Where There's An Itch ...

Orange and Yellow - Happy Colours!

Radiation Treatment Status: 24 done. 6 to go!!

So far so good. The pain I felt two nights ago was a one shot deal so far. Maybe I just stretched my arm too much when I was changing out of my clothes. I wasn't so sore yesterday. Just tender. Luke drove me today. Thanks, Luke. He's back in bed now. Tomorrow's treatment is at 11:00.

Today was a more challenging treatment only in that they had to mark me up for next weeks "booster rads". Those start on Monday and the radiation beams are directed more precisely on the area where my tumour was. It took half an hour to get me marked up for that one while it only took 10 minutes to mark me up at the beginning of radiation. I had to keep my arms in the same position over my head for 45 minutes. I was soooo uncomfortable! My right arm, in fact, fell asleep. I was trying so hard not to squirm near the end. They had trouble getting me marked up properly this time but I didn't want to rush them. It's important to have everything lined up correctly. I don't want my heart and lungs getting any more radiation than they might already. I'm glad that's done. I now have blue and red felt pen markings all over the place with instructions to please not wash them off. They're in areas where scrubbing is out of the question so that shouldn't be a problem. I don't usually get the black marks off anymore either.

I'm sorry to say that my joints seem to be returning to their previous troublesome state. For the life of me, I can't figure out what was different in my life to give me that one such good day of joint relief! By the time I went to bed last night, I was in my sadly common state of shuffling and very slowly conquering the stairs. This morning I'm not much better and I was limping walking into the Champion Centre again. This is very disappointing and very baffling to me. I just don't understand it. I've had to get used to things not making sense during all of this, but it doesn't mean it's easy.

I'm so tired today. I might go back to sleep, too. I feel compelled to read the paper first, though.

Orange and Yellow - Happy Colours!

All I Want For Christmas ...

I was talking with Hannah on the phone tonight and she asked me what I want for Christmas. "Hair", I told her. She said that's akin to asking for your two front teeth. We laughed.

Since we were talking about hair, here's a photo of the progress on the hair front so far. See how unruly it gets around my ears! This is after I've been wearing a wig so it's kind of like "bed head" and not nice and evenly curled like it is after it's been freshly washed. I'll have to try a comparison photo to see if the difference shows up on camera.

My skin isn't as sore as it was last night even though I haven't tried the saline solution compress yet. I might have aggravated it last night when I stretched my arm while pulling my shirt over my head. I'll change very carefully tonight.

Luke and I had a nice dinner with Rex and Erin tonight, who we don't see nearly as often as we did before all this cancer nonsense. Gavin was going to join us but just couldn't find his legs after traveling through the night to get home from a ski vacation at Whistler. We left him in bed.

Kevin phoned and is on his way home from Red Deer. I'm glad he can get home early. He should be here close to midnight.

I love Christmas ... even those years when it's crazy, CRAZY busy getting ready for it. There are some beautiful lights on our street. The house on the corner down from us always has wonderful lights and this year even WE have lights!! *** sigh ***

All I Want For Christmas ...

Relief from Arctic Temperatures, at Least!

Radiation Treatment Status: 23 done. 7 left!!

Last night, for the first time, my skin was VERY sore; enough to make me reach for the tylenol. It's just that especially dark patch under my arm. If you raise your arm, you know that shallow divot between your armpit and your breast/chest? That's the spot. Today the radiation therapist told me that because of the angles, that area does often get the worst of it. They gave me a saline solution and instructions for "a soak" and a pad that I can saturate and apply to my skin to help the situation. I haven't looked at it yet but will later today. Now that things actually hurt, I dread the treatments. Two more to get to the weekend and then just the 5 booster rads after that.

When I went out to start the car this morning, it was so balmy I questioned whether I really needed to wear a jacket! Luke had a late night last night so I let him sleep and drove myself. I woke to a couple of my semi-adopted sons sleeping on the sofas, which gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling all over. After getting zapped, I made a couple of stops to pick up some Christmas gifts while my spirit and legs moved me. I'm pretty sleepy, though, so I think it will be an earlier than usual night.

My joints are perhaps slightly better than yesterday but not quite as good as the day before that. The differences are small. I don't walk quite as gracefully as I could 2 days ago and my hands are definitely more stiff. Peaks and valleys.

Kevin gets home from Red Deer either late tonight or tomorrow, depending on their progress there.

Seven more sleeps until Hannah is here!

Happy Birthday (yesterday), Graham! And Happy Birthday today, Dawson!

Relief from Arctic Temperatures, at Least!

All That Glitters ...

Radiation Treatment Status: 22 done. 8 to go!!

I saw my radiation oncologist today for the first time since before radiation started. He looked at my skin and told me I'm doing great. He said my radiated skin is very fragile now and that friction of any kind can tear the skin. This means smoothing lotion on gently and frequently, splashing water on it when washing ... no rubbing with soap ... and gently patting dry ... no brushing with a towel ... and NO scratching even if I get itchy. If I get itchy, they'll give me a hydrocortisone cream. So far I've only had some minor itches that I've taken care of most gently, through clothes, with the soft edge of a wooden spoon. I'll try to avoid scratching. So far, though, it doesn't feel too bad. Just minor discomfort.

This series of radiation treatments will be finished on Friday. The 5 that follow are "booster shots" and are very localized to the area where my tumour was. I'll get 4 of those done before Christmas and then, after a 4 day break, I go back on December 29 for the FINAL shot of radiation. Then ... PARTY!!

My joints haven't been moving with the relative ease of yesterday but they weren't as bad as they had been. I don't understand why one day would be better than another but I've learned through all of this that there's little logic to the body's response to cancer treatments. I'm glad I kept my hopes in check yesterday. Patience is required. I'm hopeful at least, that my joint issues will continue to improve even if not at the rate I would wish.

I otherwise had a good day. Luke and I ran some errands. I did a little bit of shopping and found some things I hadn't initially thought of but am happy with. YEAH!! Since I was walking by and he looked like he was between clients, I stopped to say hi to Van, my hair dresser. For obvious reasons, I haven't seen him since he so kindly and compassionately shaved my head for me in June. I showed him my wee bit of growth and told him that I look forward to spending some time with him sometime next year.

Christmas cards, photos and emails from friends are giving me lots of reason to smile. Thanks, everyone!

All That Glitters ...

The Jury Is Still Out ...

... on my joints. They're certainly no better than yesterday and perhaps not quite as good, but I'm not convinced yet. I'm waiting a little longer before I give up on them being better still.

My radiation appointment isn't until 2:00 and I'll see my radiation oncologist as well for the first time since I started radiation. My skin is still doing pretty good, I think. It's not actually painful ... just some discomfort.

The Jury Is Still Out ...

Wig? I Don't See No Wig!

I don't often wear a wig at home. They're not the most comfortable of things for extended periods of time and sometimes they make my head hot and/or itchy. On top of that, I think they rub off my tender new hair growth at the pressure points. All good reasons not to wear it. Still, I always wear it when I'm in the company of others. I prefer that the only people who see me without it are immediate family. Even then, I wish nobody, including me, had to see me without hair.

This means I have to be prepared for times when people come to the door unexpectedly. I try to keep a wig handy on the main floor. But where to keep it? Often it's just sitting on the dining table or the hall table. But it's kind of creepy to see a wig sitting there like some dead animal. I'm now trying to semi-disguise it so it's not so offending to the eye. Here it is disguised as "centrepiece". Here it is again disguised as "lamp finial". And again as "hairy angel knight".

I'll be glad when I don't have to disguise it at all and can donate it for the use of other cancer patients ... if some visiting pet doesn't shred it first.

Wig? I Don't See No Wig!

I'm The Tin Man Set Free

I feel like the tin man who just got a WD40 treatment! My joints certainly aren't at 100% by any stretch but I'm able to move better today than I have for 2 months!! I'm so excited I'm almost elated, though I'm trying to keep emotions in check until I see how tomorrow goes.

I can stand up from a chair without using my arms to raise myself. I can get up and start walking without having to first stand and slowly straighten up and then stand for a while as I contemplate how I'm going to take my first steps without falling down. My arms move more smoothly. There's a lot less ache everywhere. My fingers are more flexible. It's all good. Or, at least it's all a lot better than it was. I'm almost crying I'm so happy to finally be able to move a little better. Even my back feels straighter. I haven't felt this normal since I can't remember when!! It's been almost two weeks since I stopped taking the Arimidex.

Please, oh please, oh please, oh please ... let this be for real!!!

I'm The Tin Man Set Free

Single Digits!

Radiation Status Report: 21 done. 9 left! I'm down to single digits. I'm definitely looking like a chunk of ham after this morning's radiation treatment. My skin is still holding up, though my back is starting to get itchy from time to time. I've been using a wooden spoon to scratch where it itches.

Yesterday Kevin and I got out for a little bit despite the cold. We went to places with underground parking and we didn't stay long. Last night after I finished dinner preparations and had the meal put in the oven, I suddenly felt dizzy, weak, nauseous, and generally unwell. I took it easy for the rest of the night ... curled up under a blanket and watched two movies with Kevin and Luke. On top of feeling lousy, I felt weepy, too. I don't know why I suddenly felt so lousy and so vulnerable except that I woke up feeling not quite right in the first place.

I'm happy to say I felt much better this morning. I had to be up early for an 8:30 radiation appointment. The bonus is that it was early enough that Kevin could take me. When I got home I went back to bed for a couple of hours and then awoke in time to prepare for a 1:00 meeting via teleconference, which lasted almost 2 hours. I'm trying to step back into work a bit ... little by little ... preparing for a return to a normal life.

I'm also happy to say that my joints feel a little better today, too!! For me, that's VERY exciting though I'm trying to only be cautiously optimistic. The stiffness is still there but not AS bad and certainly not as achy. Whether being off the Arimidex is finally making a difference or whether three days of taking Tylenol Arthritis is making a difference, I can't say for sure. Or maybe it's just one of those days and maybe I'll feel just as much joint discomfort tomorrow. I do hope, though, that it's a sign of improvements to come because really, it's been the worst part of the past 2 months! The radiation, so far, hasn't been difficult since I am able to get adequate sleep.

I find I've needed to really withdraw from much of life and just focus on getting through this last part of treatment. It's kind of like when I was in labour with Hannah and a nurse kept telling me to open my eyes and focus on something in the room ... the clock or something on the wall ... and I wanted to tell her to just stop saying that because what I needed to do (and did) was close my eyes and direct my focus inside myself. That's where my INNER strength is ... not out there on the wall somewhere. That's how I feel about this now. It's a bit like being in labour. To get through it I need to focus inside. So, please forgive me for all the invitations I've had to turn down. Please continue inviting me, though, because I hope to be feeling much more social (maybe exuberantly so) once this stuff is over with. Then I'll want to celebrate with EVERYONE!! And soon it really will be over. At least that's how this is supposed to work. Thanks for standing by me.

Single Digits!

Hairy (not Harry) ... In My Dreams

These are proud or maybe bewildered parents! They are Dwayne's discus fish and they've had babies. You can see the little ones eating off the side of their Daddy. Or Mommy. I'm not sure. Hopefully they'll get big enough to prevent themselves from being eaten by their parents or other fish.

Today I'm just tired. Bone tired. Weak. I slept okay. I'm just weary all over. My joints are no better and I'm to the point where I've stopped anticipating a possible improvement every morning. That way it will come as a really happy surprise when there really is one. If there is one. My radiated skin is feeling a bit paperish and last night my back where the beams exit was quite itchy. Otherwise, it's not very bothersome. Just tender and increasingly pink with that more bold reddish triangle under my arm. It really is a triangle. It has distinct edges. Nothing fuzzy about it.

Today when I had my bath, I was prepared to shave my legs but when I looked, there was no hair to shave! Quelle surprise!!! And then I laughed because I must have been dreaming I had hair! It's so clear in my mind it seems real. I was so sure I'd noticed a respectable (or unrespectable) amount of hair on my legs during my last bath and that it was time to get out the razor. Imagine my bafflement and all the eye squinting I did before determining that no ... not a single hair there. Nothing. Not a one. Crazy! I'm just hairy in my dreams, I guess. I stowed the razor away again.

Last night we actually went out in this weather for dinner. But it was a special event and close by. It's a long standing family tradition to dine at Broadway Cafe (Norm's) on a regular basis. We've had many dinners there with Hannah and Luke. Sometimes Don and Syl have joined us as have other friends with their families. We're very fond of Norm, the proprietor. So we went there last night with Luke, Don and Syl and it was great. Great to see Norm again. We hadn't seen him for quite some time. We sat right over a register so we were toasty warm.

Lately I've been rather chilled at home. I thought it was just me and then Kevin looked at the thermostat yesterday to find that it was only getting to about 67 degrees in the house even though it was set for higher. No wonder I was chilled! The furnace guys came and fixed it up. It's a new furnace. Our old one failed completely on us on New Year's day a year ago and we got a brand spankin' new one that's all energy efficient and computerized. The problem seemed to be with the computer end of things and was soon fixed. Not the kind of thing Kevin can tinker with himself, unlike old furnaces. By the way, our energy costs dropped considerably ... much more than we expected they would ... after getting the new furnace. Just in case you're contemplating. Our old furnace was a 60's model.

Hairy (not Harry) ... In My Dreams