I was up way too early this morning but it was for an especially good reason. I had my massage at 9:00 a.m. It was wonderful. Again, she maneuvered my arm firmly but slowly, gently. She would move my arm to a point where I would feel a sharp pain and I would think, "she'll stop now", but she wouldn't. She would make a very slight adjustment while steadily, slowly continuing to extend my arm past the painful point and then the pain would subside. So interesting! She past what I thought was my limit about 4 times that way ... the most subtle of movements, pressure of her hand on my shoulder and the heat of her hand, perhaps, too.
Again, most of the time was spent on my shoulders and then my lymphatic system ... like the way you might use your hands to move water trapped under plastic, working toward the edge to release it. Very slowly ... firmly ... steadily. She also found some very painful parts under my arm and over my ribs. She said the pain was in the muscles that are attached to my ribs and she gave me some exercises I can do to loosen those up, mostly laying on a rubber ball.
Again, her hands got so hot! They weren't hot when she first laid them on me but very soon they heated up. I commented on how hot her hands were and she said, "Yes, you're on fire". I thought maybe she didn't hear me correctly and I said, "No, YOU'RE hot!". She explained that even thought the surface of my skin isn't hot, she can feel the heat from the energy being released deep in my muscles and joints and that her hands absorb that heat. She said it doesn't happen that way for everyone but I seem to be one of those who produces heat.
When the hour was up, I really did feel a lot better. My neck felt longer, which is especially encouraging. Lately I've been feeling very "stooped" and like I have no neck. I've said that it feels like I went to bed 49 years old and woke up 70. At least 70. I know 70 years old who look younger than me! It's been a little discouraging ... like I've been robbed of several years of my life. Then again, I AM alive, right? That's so much better than the alternative. Hopefully, I'll get some of what I feel lost back even if slowly.
So ... the massage was very good ... I go again on Monday, May 3 ... and my shoulders still feel the healing effects of it.
I also got a phone message today saying I have an appointment with an oncologist! YEAH!!! Not only do I have an appointment, it's on MONDAY!! WOW! I'm SO glad! That means I see my radiation oncologist in the morning and my oncologist in the afternoon and I get bloodwork done in the afternoon, too. Like I've said, I have some questions. I want to know if this joint problem could be permanent. The doctor might not know and I'm prepared for that. But I want him to say if he doesn't know and I want to find out if there's someone who does know and/or who I should be seeing about it. Maybe I should be seeing an arthritis specialist? I don't know. Or do I just have to accept that this joint and muscle pain is my new reality and that I just have to endure it. Or is there something that can be done? And I want to know if the Tamoxifen could be part of the problem. Could the drugs be the cause of my shoulder problems? And I want to know if, now that my estrogen has been knocked back to almost nothing, I can go off the Tamoxifen? I have a feeling that is NOT the protocol, but I want to understand better why I'm to be on it for at least 5 years when already my estrogen is neglible. If I've responded so quickly (and some women don't), does that mean I can go off it? If not, why do I need to keep taking it? How long after going off the drug does estrogen build back up again ... if at all? Can I take Tamoxifen holidays. What is the state of the research? Does he know? Does anyone know? See? Lots of questions.
After work today I was SO tired. Cooked. I didn't think I was going to be able to go to Splurge Club. But I drank some diet coke (a no-no) for the caffeine and I pulled myself together. I've missed the past few splurge clubs and I'd been looking forward to getting together with my splurge buddies. It was great and very fun! I had a beer! Woohoo!! What a party animal I am! Bonnie had so much food! We munched and then totally oinked out on chocolate fondue with fruit. And then, after we were all stuffed, she told us there was still cheesecake for dessert! Are you kidding me?!! She insisted it was light and so we all took a deep breath, creating some space, and indulged in some heavenly "lightness". It was an evening of stories and laughs. I love Splurge Club! When it got to the point where one of my eyes kept closing against my will, I came home to Poker night at our house. That's why there are these beautiful cupcakes in my kitchen! That Chantelle! I have to just admire them, though, because I can't eat another bite. And I'm so tired I MUST go to bed. I hope I have a good, long sleep ... and then I'll follow live stats for Luke's lacrosse game tomorrow morning.
Good night, everyone!