Tuesday, May 11, 2010


I have rarely felt "girly" through this whole breast cancer and more ordeal. I've always been girly so loss of my girlishness has been hard. Loss of hair and brows, moonfaces, buffalo humps, weight gain, limping, fatigue all make me feel a little androgynous. I want my girlishness back. Yes, wearing wigs, make-up and jewelery have helped at times but inside it all feels very phony in a way I don't think I would understand if I hadn't been through all of this. Feeling emotionally strong, I watched most of a documentary last night about a 38 year old woman diagnosed with breast cancer. She made a film about her ordeal. My heart broke for her (Did I cry for both of us? You bet I did!) ... especially hard to go through it all with a baby and a pre-schooler at home. She said a lot of things about her feelings that hit home and one that stuck with me was the uncomfortable feeling of not being "real" when covering your illness with wigs and make-up. I was glad I saw the film but it's not something I could have watched just any old time. Anyway, back to not feeling very feminine these days, it also doesn't help that I can't wear a lot of my clothes because I'm still too big and because my limited range of motion in my upper body means I can't wear anything structured.

So, today, I wore pretty shoes. Girly shoes. Heels. They don't show in this photo but they have straw wedge heels. Very girly. I need to redo my toenails, I see, but that's for another day. Now that I can walk better I feel good in heels. BONUS!!

Yes, today I'm still relishing being able to walk normally. It feels SOOO good! It makes me all the more impatient to get my arms back. And my hair.

I felt good today. Sure, my mouth is still tender but that will improve. I felt good at work and feel my brain engaging better. I don't know how to explain that part of all this, but there have been a lot of times when I've been very conscious of mental failings and limitations. My mind feels stronger and more agile now, which is good because I need that at work. It's a crazy, busy time at work right now so I'm going to try to push myself a little in that direction. I'm going to shoot for putting in more time. I know I have to do this carefully but I can't really know unless I try. And I feel ready to try.
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