Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Ain't No Sunshine

Not in my little world today, that's for sure. I just felt crappy all day and so I didn't go to work on what woulda coulda shoulda been work day number 2. I was so disappointed! I didn't stray far from the sofa all day and just watched Olympics and slipped in and out of naps.

My joints actually ached today. My stomach was a little upset all day and during the night last night. I had a headache. I was tired from not sleeping well. For the first time in a long time even the place where my PICC-line was inserted hurt a little, too! What's with that?! I must say, though, that I've noticed some correlation between my feeling tired and my joints hurting more. I have no idea why that would be so but it seems so nonetheless. It's not just that I have less tolerance for pain when I'm tired, my joints are actually more stiff and sore. My fingers were so stiff today I had trouble doing some things that I can usually do without any problems ... such as opening the container I keep carrots in.

Instead of staying in bed and sleeping longer in the morning I got up hoping that once I was up I would feel okay but it didn't work that way. I had hoped to get to work a little earlier today ... say, around 10:00 ... and then I planned on going in at 1:00, but that didn't happen and by 1:20 I gave up any thought of it.

So I've been a little bummed all day and I still don't feel quite right.

All I can say is that I hope I feel good tomorrow and I plan on being in my office at some point.

After reading today's post, please don't send me any cheery notes or suggestions of ways to improve my lot. Just think a little wish to me for a better day tomorrow ... and the next day ... and the next day, which is what I know you are all doing anyway (thank you so much ... it means so much to me).

I became cranky (and I almost NEVER get cranky) as the day progressed and I don't have much capacity for cheer tonight. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will. I do know that there will still be tough days to come and that returning to "real life" won't happen over night. After everything going so well yesterday, though, I didn't think I'd feel so lousy today already. No wonder I'm a little bummed. But don't worry. I'll get over it. I've already started making adjustments in my mind. I do think the way I feel today is an anomaly. So let's all try to forget that today happened for me.

It is also in the back of my mind that Tamoxifen can cause depression. Many women on Tamoxifen are also taking an antidepressant (to treat depression and/or hot flashes). Several women stop taking Tamoxifen entirely because of this particular side effect. And, just to throw another kink into the mix, new research indicates that some of the most common antidepressants being prescribed interfere with the effectiveness of Tamoxifen (Here's a link to information about that). Why I mention the link between Tamoxafin and depression is because it's uncommon for me to feel the way I do today, though I think I thoroughly deserve to feel this way from time to time. That said, if feeling this way becomes commonplace for me, I will be on high alert to it being a possible side effect of the drug. I have never in my life felt depressed and for me to feel that way more often now would strongly suggest to me that it's a chemically-induced feeling.

And you can bet I've been contemplating my joint and drug issues and as much as possible I have plans, back-up plans and personal deadlines for signs of improvements. I think about it a lot. I follow the status of current research a lot. A lot. A lot. I bet I know more about the research than most (and maybe all) of my doctors. As much as I wish there was some way to make this joint problem go away NOW, trust me ... I have done my research and I have set my own limits as to how long I will let this last before seeking further consideration from doctors. There is no magic pill I can pop to make all this go away. I'm not being ridiculously patient. I think I'm being as patient as I'm required to be based on what I've been told by doctors and what I've learned from my research. And I know I have to wait a little longer before trying to get some medical answers and, from what I've learned, there may be no answers. There aren't always answers. I know that and stamping my feet and having tantrums won't make one iota of difference so I might as well keep calm and carry on.

Here's to a better day tomorrow!

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